Lights, Camera, Action Heroes

I use long airplane flights to see movies I wouldn’t watch in my regular life.  If the movie is bad, no skin off my teeth as I didn’t pay to see it.  If the movie is good, I’m pleasantly surprised and again I didn’t pay to see it.  An 11 hour flight from Los Angeles to London and another 11 hour flight from London to Johannesburg offers ample opportunity to roll the proverbial movie dice.

So I watched the latest Fast & Furious.  They should make another category in the Academy Awards for: Best Action Hero Saying Ridiculous lines while keeping a straight face. It’s a gift I tell you.  There were easily 10 lines that Vin Diesel said with not a hint of irony that a lesser man could not have pulled off.  The badder the script, the better the actor must be to pull it off.  Anyone can connect with losing a loved one or a cheating spouse but try telling a bad guy…”You’re a bad apple, and tainted fruit salad makes me angry” without giggling.  I know I couldn’t.  They would kick me off the set…

ME: Can we cut? I’m sorry but who talks like this?  See here when I say “Evil doesn’t take a day off but I’m gonna make it call in sick.”  Can’t I just say “I’m going to fix the problem”?…okay fine I’ll do it your way.  I just hope you can edit out my giggling.

The best at it is Jason Statham.  His work in Crank 2 has got to be the best piece of acting ever.  He died in Crank 1!  He died!  So you see everything he does in Crank II is ridiculous.  He spends the whole movie trying to get back his heart.  But at every step along the way he must recharge the battery powering the fake heart put in by the people who took his real heart out.  I’m not sure why they put the fake heart in.  They probably regretted that decision 40 minutes into the movie when he came to kick some heart remover ass.  Again, I wouldn’t last.

ME:I died in part one!  I plummeted to the ground from a hundred stories in the air.  Wouldn’t that break every bone in my body.  Don’t your shoes fly off when you fall from that height?

My friend plays the inquisitive office detective in Fast & Furious.  Her job was to set Mr Diesel up for the loaded one liners, saying things like “What makes you so sure?” and “Take a look at this…” She didn’t skip a beat and adeptly navigated all the heavy handedness.  I sat in amazement at her belief in the utterly unbelievable.

So Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, Clive Owen and all the others who boldly take improbable scripts and execute them like the real pros that they are, I say thank you.

7 thoughts on “Lights, Camera, Action Heroes

  1. Renee

    fast & furious. loved. it. i laughed from beginning to end. in fact i laughed so hard, i had to cover my mouth so as not to distract the other movie goers.

  2. Deana

    Don't your shoes fly off when you fall from that height?

    You're the only person who would even think of that. Brilliant.

    So this is what they're showing on flights these days, eh? A far cry from An Affair To Remember {or forget, in your case.} I remember seeing the second Tomb Raider flick on a flight a few years back. My kinetosis had already kicked in, and that movie was my passport to chundertown. Eesh!

  3. dwayneperkins

    Hey Deana,

    You sure it wasn't the movie that induced a cookie toss? I often take my motion sickness right to the edge of barfdom then pull back. Yes…i'm that plugged in to my bod.

  4. Deana


    The movie did have a lot to do with it. Years later, I still remember how awful it was. Angelina Jolie's enormous mouth was so distracting, like a beglossed Leviathan.

    Can you really control your vomiting when faced with motion sickness? I feel like such a slave to it.

  5. dwayneperkins

    i can't control my vomiting…i can feel when I'm approaching the point of no return and close my eyes before i get there. It's dangerous though because if i don't catch it, i'm sick all day.

  6. Mini Mar

    dope blog would you follow me

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