Alarming Alarm (Funny Blog from Comedy Central’s Dwayne Perkins)

I recently went to a friend’s house that had a pretty snazzy security system. If the front door was opened a voice would say “The Front Door.” If the patio was door was opened the voice would say “Patio Door.” I’m not sure I would want this system. It gives you just enough information to scare the be-jesus out of you. Okay it’s 3 am you’re in bed and your front door opens. Now what? If you’re anything like me you’re now ½ awake and in a state of paralysis. You’re somewhat awake, scared out of your skull and yet you can’t move a finger. In your head you’re bringing a wave of fury but in reality you’re hyperventilating on your back.

I would rather the system tell me more information about my intruder. “Front door, skinny druggie…grab a golf club.”…”Back door, neighborhood punks…grab a bat and call their moms”…”3 Ex-cons, lock your bedroom door and pray.”

Or maybe the voice should be a message to the would-be robber. “AK-47 locked and loaded.”…”Pit Bull coming to nosh in T minus 5 seconds”…”This house will self-destruct in T minus 30 seconds, giving the pit bull 25 seconds to lock on your neck before you are blown to shreds…”

Of course, I’m not sure I need such a system in my one bedroom apartment. For my purposes a string of rattling cans would work better.  It would startle the robber and maybe startle me past my sleep paralysis.* If the robber trips on the cans, that would be a plus.

Sleep Paralysis

2 thoughts on “Alarming Alarm (Funny Blog from Comedy Central’s Dwayne Perkins)

  1. jhiro

    Or from a different area of the house, the alarm system could play a recording of a large group of tough-sounding folks, discussing their gun collections and MMA training.

  2. me!

    If the alarm system says "Right behind you," you have a problem.

Leave a Reply